


At times, disappearing is all you can do

by Boffin1710



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Reality, Realization, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-21 23:23:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11367768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boffin1710/pseuds/Boffin1710
Summary: I am not sure why I am writing this letter to you.   Have no bloody idea why. But then again,  I suppose I feel the need to explain my actions to you for some reason, you bloody bastard..... For Ashe who understands those feelings and is always willing to listen to my expunging of turmoil.





	At times, disappearing is all you can do

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AsheTarasovich (natalieashe)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/natalieashe/gifts).



 

Bond,

I am not sure why I am writing this letter to you. Have no bloody idea why. But then again, I suppose I feel the need to explain my actions to you for some reason, you bloody bastard.

Oh Christ, It just occurred to me that it might not be you reading this letter. I may have been wrong in my thought that it would be you. In my contemplating this situation, I assumed more than likely you, would be the only one who would bother to come to check up on me. Mainly for the fact that you do not like to go out on a mission with someone else’s voice in your ear as your handler.

Shit, it doesn’t really matter now and I can’t change who is reading this so I will just continue.

I’m sure by now you figured out that I am not sick or recuperating. You’ve gone through my flat and come to the only logical conclusion that I am gone, walked away. You won’t find any clues here, Bond.

And Q Branch won’t be able to recover anything from the hardware left behind. I make sure of that.

I’ve searched inside myself for days Bond and haven’t come up with another logical solution to this entire fiasco than this option. I can’t seem to resolve any of this inwardly either.

I am not made for this life.

I know that M... our M... believed I was. I really do hate to have to prove her wrong.

Life was different before I became Q. I honestly didn’t realize. I didn’t think about it all until I actually saw it on paper in black and white. Chaos, destruction, debris and all the blood/death along with it.

I inflict death with a key strokes.

Bond… how do you do it.

I don’t think I am capable of it anymore.

Oh bloody hell, I’m babbling I fear. Nevertheless, in the large envelope under this letter, is a copy of a report I recently completed for Mallory. Facts, statistics, files, lost, death… all compiled from field agent and double-o mission reports over the last 12 months. Along with it all, my part in the entire scenario.

All the death and collateral damage that I can claim as my ‘body count’.

Daunting, I must say. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would become this person. Maybe you can understand… Slightly unnerved. I wasn’t the most lawful person before I was ‘recruited’ but ‘this’ was never me.

Over the last year I have listened to good men and women die in battles of gunfire, at the end of knives, listened to one be ran over by a commuter train, to the life being choked out of an agent with a garrote… so many and there was nothing I could do about it.

I should have been able to though.

Not to mention losing two people to death ‘by MI6’ who I considered the closest thing to my family as I have had in a long time. I don’t think I could stay and listen to a third person whom I care about die and know that I should have been able to prevent it from happening.  
  
So I’ve decided to walk away. Maybe someday I will be able to live with myself again. Look in the mirror and not want to rage at the person I see there. Nevertheless, you and I both know no one really leaves MI6, especially agents or quartermasters for that fact. You either die in the field, take ‘long term no pay leave’ which means you are still under their thumb, or you disappear. I am choosing to take my ‘disappearance’ into my own hands rather than a shot in the dark from a shadowed figure.  
  
Read the file, Bond. Maybe some of this babble will make sense to you. Along with it you will also find a file about me, a of the only file left about me and my past. I found the only paper file left. I suspected M had one. All other files disappeared from the outside world, along with me a long time ago. Mallory had it hidden but… I guess that doesn’t matter. I made a copy and replaced it.  
  
It will explain a lot to you I hope.  
  
I think from reading it you will understand why I am taking this chance in disappearing. Why I don’t think anyone would ever be able to find me. Maybe you might be able to find me, but I don’t think so. Only if I slip up drastically, but I have planned so very well.  
  
Thank you for treating me like a friend, Bond... A human instead of an android. I know I wasn’t easy to get along with most of the time, but then again your kindness was appreciated.  
  
R will make a good Q. Trust her, Bond. She will bring you home. Trust Tanner too. He is a good man.  
  
I only have one favor to ask of you if possible. And, I do understand if not. Queen and Country and all. Medical gave me a four week sick leave. Wasn’t hard to convince them… mental and physical stress. If you are reading this before those four weeks have passed, please if you could see to giving me that lead time for a head start, it would help. I don’t think I will be traceable but never hurts to cover all one’s bases.  
  
I know if I don’t reappear in Q Branch at the end of those four weeks, someone will be sent after me considering that I have gone rogue. I hope it’s not you, Bond or Trevelyan. Maybe they will send 002. He always disliked me.  
  
And Bond, I will be watching just not in your ear anymore. So remember, when you are ready to disappear once more, I’ll be out here. If you want, I will find you. I will help you disappear.

Resurrection isn’t always the only option.  
  
Always…

Q


End file.
